Things are going slowly since March, but they are going. I am not yet sure whether or not that is a GOOD thing. This is because I am reluctant to let her back in. A friend stated, more or less, that I should just go with it and see what happens - for the "good time" if not for any other reason. The thing is, I want to be with her (believe that I do, because I am not usually one to pine over a lost opportunity for love), but I don't know if I want to go through another episode of her allowing us to get close - and then chickening out at the first sign of things becoming more serious and running the f--k away again. Would I enjoy "having a good time"? Well, SURE I would... I am not abnormal. (Not completely, anyway.

Right now, though, I am feeling very lonely and quite blue. Normally, I am content in my solitude. Today, however It feels a bit overwhelming (my heart feels heavy). It feels like that twinge of tightness you get (or would get) in your chest as a kid when you were about to cry... only you don't want to cry, because you don't want to cry in front of people. I don't have any other signs of that magnitude of emotion -- just the chest tightness.

I am so tired. I have been working many, many hours, and I am not having the best time of it. My supervisors are driving me crazy. They do nothing to help in times tht it is needed. The negativity has overcome me on many different planes.

I spent part of last weekend with J. We started the day early in the morning, having breakfast at a local pancake house and spent the day

(have I used "conflicted" already?)

Well... J traded the job she had for a new one, and has announced on her weblog that she will be moving back to town. We have not spoken much during the past year. That is to say, we have had frequent conversations but none that had any true meaning or depth.

I am not sure how I feel about this. I know that I will be out of town when she returns to town... which I think is about as perfect as things could get, if one was a vengeful person who believes in karma and that sort of thing.

I have mixed feelings when asked what I think will happen (or hope might happen). I really don't have an answer to that yet.

Just in case any of you drop-in from time to time to see if anything is new...

Sadly, things ended somewhat badly in the SAGA of J. She is back here (west coast), but we are not / have not been / seeing each other. We have spoken a few times, but it was nothing significant.

I have been on 2 dates, with 2 different women, since J left. While I liked both of them, I just felt like I was not ready yet. (not over it).

One of them was not happy with my honesty, the other said that she understood, and said to give her a call should I change my mind. I do not expect her to remain on hold during this time.

I have no further information at this time... but should I resume dating anyone -- I'll let you know.

September 28, 2007 - March 17, 2007... that is a LOT of days with no updates. Please accept my apologies along with this summary of events to rush you all to the present happenings in my life.

I've asked her (a few times) if she will marry me. Of those three, one answer was not a direct negative; but before you get excited please know that no answer was given at all, as the phone rang or some other work related urgency interrupted, and therefore I was abruptly forgotten and invisible yet again.

She is back on the east coast, working. Always working. I have since ceased communications and mailed a letter explaining that it is painfully obvious (which is not exactly news but at least now I am accepting the truth) that we are not even in the same bookstore when it comes to being on the same page of any chapter in any given book.

As far as all of that "if you love something set it free" horse shit - she has not come back. Therefore I am resigned to my former existence, working, caring for what family and friends I do have, and trying to stay healthy despite my blue mood.

Don't worry about me though, I've been through things like this before and I have come out of them a better person. I have complete faith that this will have the same result.

I hope the new year, now well into the beginning of the 2nd quarter, is treating you well, and I hope to bring you more news from this flip side of me in the near future.

In the movies, it is not uncommon for a guy to have to ask multiple times. I wonder though, in LIFE, do things ever REALLY work out like they do in the movies? In the end the guy--who is typically a good guy being forced to suffer due to some one elses wrongs -- gets the girl.

What can a guy do when he is seemingly unable to convince a woman to make that jump?

I am without a response to that. If you need directions to "that" simply ask.

ADJECTIVE: Characterized by luck or good fortune: fortunate, happy, lucky. See LUCK.
I know. I KNOW. I promised to post something. I will.
really.

I promise I will.

Right now I still have company.

I have big plans for tonight. The just-washed sheets are tumble drying. The thermostat is set for a cool but not cold ambient temperature. All of the dishes are washed and put away.

I.
shall.
sleep.

Those truly linked don't need correspondence. When they meet again after many years apart, their friendship is as true as ever.

In the near future, I will be updating... (think in terms of a week or two, rather than hours or days).

As it is, J is back, for the most part. She lives just under three hours away. We've seen eachother-- that is spent time together three times since her 25 October return to the Pacific coast. She seems to believe that everything should just pick up as if nothing ever disrupted the flow of things. I mean... she went away FAR away for almost a year. The choice was clearly for money and I admit I defended her choice nine ways to December; but in all honesty-- I think that my doing so was mostly out of self-preservation.

Do I care about her? Yes .I care about her a great deal. I just don't feel exactly the same way I did. I have tried to sit back and see what happens but really, when it comes down to it,my feelings are not where they were before the move. That is not to say that, given time, I would feel the same way again; but I don't feel that way "Right Now".

Wednesday night, (sadly -- that seems like it was days ago, and it was yesterday)... I was extremely tired and went to bed around 10:00pm. Around 11:45, the phone rang. I woke up, and it took me a few seconds to figure out that I was laying on my stomach, which would mean that the phone was on my right. I realized this only after I lifted myself, and reached out with my left arm trying to locate the phone. Since there is a light up display for the caller ID on the phone I figured out where I was and then my brain calculated the phone's location once the presence of the light was recognized as significant.

It was J. of all people. J, who is leaving Boston and returning to this area at the end of this month. J. who moved from this area out to Boston earlier this year (February).

Her first words were, "Did I wake you?, I'm sorry." and things like that. She is in New York. She just wanted to say hi. I was barely awake, and frankly, as good as it was to hear from her; I was too tired to stay awake. (I am not sure whether or not that means anything significant).

I was actually so tired, that I am not fully sure what was said. I remember hearing one of her soon-to-be-former housemates in say something in the background that amused me... only now I cannot remember what that was. At the time it was funny enough that I laughed and repeated it.

No, candor is not a bird.
An open letter to my (biological) father.
Yes, yes. The birthday card you sent did arrive on time. I am clueless as to why this would matter to you, since you have never even met me. You chose to leave-- why I will never know, because you got married; so at some point you must have had some notion of the possibility that children are commonly a factor in such an equation.

You are one persistent son of a bitch; calling me 4-5 times in a week, but not leaving a message. While I can see that you did call (Caller ID is not known for falsifying entries) I refuse to return your phone calls if you don't leave a message. Half the time I really don't even want to call you when you DO leave a message.

I was happy not even knowing if you were still alive and wandering around this waste of resources we call our planet. If I had my way, things would return to how they were a year ago when I vaguely knew you once existed.

I am glad that I finally opened the door and let you know that I have some unresolved feelings and DO NOT really wish to append your name to my FRIENDS & FAMILY roster. I just hope you actually HEARD me.

Waiting for...
October 25, 2005

I attended a friend's 40th birthday party tonight. These are people I have been friends with since before I was married; many of the people from that circle of friends were there. I met a few new ones, and I saw people I have not seen in two years or more. There were kids everywhere. It made me realize exactly how unsettled I feel.

I miss the predictibility of being in a relationship. I miss J. I realize that making the decision to encourage her to go was stupid. Selfless and stupid. I don't really think that I was afraid of the next step, because nothing makes me happier than being around my friends who are married and have their kids running over just to interrupt the adult conversation to inquire if we "all heard Lindsey burp, because it was way loud and really funny".

Seeing my friends and their wives and kids all in one place only made me envy them for being happy and having what I have probably wanted all along anyway.

So, in case I wasn't clear enough already, or if anyone was sitting around with nothing else to ponder that may have been wondering if I miss her, the answer is Yes. yes i do. Very much. Still. After all of these months.

I realize that just about everyone says I'm sorry in situations similar to this one, but I was amused since it came from the person I posted about 2 days ago.

I know this person (albeit a limited relationship, since I only speak to her on-line)... But she is one of those people who are very quick to ante up an "I'm sorry." When she gets snippy, or is in a bad mood and behaves rudely, she departs suddenly and returns hours later and says "I'm sorry."

Recently, this led me to ask her to explain to me what she was apologizing for. She just replied with For the way I acted. She admitted that she behaved in a self-centered manner. But when I tried to tell her how I felt about what she had said the previous day, she asked me why her "apology" wasn't enough.

I explained that if she refuses to (hear) and acknowledge how the other person FEELS about her actions, then her apology is meaningless; because she is not interested in trying to understand how it affected them. She told me that my words made no sense. She told me that she didn't understand. She said that she did acknowledge it because she knew she should apologize. Which to me, is as half hearted as her "I'm sorry" was. When I tried to put into words what I thought about what she had said to me before she signed off abruptly (therefore not giving me any opportunity to respond to her), she interrupted me to say "Well I said I was sorry and I don't understand why that isn't enough." (Circles, circles, circles.)

I find it extremely disheartening that a grown woman has so much trouble comprehending what a TRUE apology was. I tried explaining to her that it if she really expects those two words to fix everything, when she hasn't even considered how profoundly her actions affected the person, even if she knows they affected them and that she should apologize; then, she doesn't fully understand what an apology is. Sometimes it isn't enough.

The thing is, I never responded with an "It's o.k." - she just assumed that her half-hearted compunction was accepted.

A few related links, which may or may not be around for the lifetime of this weblog:
Saying I'm Sorry -- and Meaning it

I'm Sorry. About Something. (Sort of).

Yah, I didn't belive it when I (re)read it either. I guess I thought that by putting the concept onto these pages, I could claim de-denialification and it would seem as if I was actually going to jump out there and ravage women as I came across them without regard to safety or morals. (yah, that's gonna happen).

I am at least considering dating. I was at Starbucks earlier and thought, well hell this is easy- everyone's name is on their cup. That surely must be useful. Then I thought, oh wait... if two people go in and order drinks they generally put the same name on the cups anyway. Which means its not as useful as I originally had thought.

Lately I seem to have unquenchable thirst for cool water. Not ice cold, but cool. Ice cold is great, and I love it but when I am this thirsty it freezes my eyes, and that hurts.

Well I suppose now I have to prepare myself, mentally and physically to venture (back) out into the world of dating. What a grueling experience that can be.


Luckily for me, the very places I have frequented for the past (oh so many) years have an abundance of women to approach... and many of them know my face. It will not be like approaching complete strangers each time, since I have at least seen these women on a regular enough basis to smile and nod hello - or exchange a few words as I allow them to pass through the door before me as I hold it open. (such a nice guy I am in that respect).