I am being mocked, by my own conscience. That is to say that, it seems no matter how hard I try, I keep slipping down, down...down. I just can't seem to get ahead, and it is getting awfully dark here. I have often wondered, Would it be easier if I just died?

sardonicism. adj.
scornfully or cynically mocking.

Of course, those thoughts never linger in my mind, and I do not think I even harbor the balls to actually do anything about it... but I will admit that in my darkest times, I dance around the edges of the thoughts of "what would happen if I just ended it... NOW?"
Now, now... before you start to worry about ol' Bert... I want to let you know that immediately after a thought such as that enters my mind - even before it has a chance to be a fully developed thought (we can call it a "thoughtlette"), other thoughts -- such as thoughts about how an act such as "that" might affect the people I love... stomp out the thoughtlette, and I decide that I must, once again, SUCK IT UP and just deal with the SHIT that has been dealt.

So, here I sit, with a plate of shit before me. Wondering WTH I ever did (in this life, or perhaps in a previous one), to deserve the rough patch that has lingered for so long. WHEN am I going to get my good luck? Why hasn't it arrived yet?