Tuesday, June 28, 2005


Until I hear whether or not my vacation has been approved, I will have to resort to other methods of relaxation. Since I have frequent trouble sleeping, and since I am rather opposed to subjecting my kidneys, liver and heart to a sundry of medication on a recurring basis, I am open to many alternative suggestions, holistic and other related practices. Anyone with chronic sleep problems can tell you that eventually, you are willing to try *almost* anything.

Once upon a time (actually, that makes it seem like an eternity has passed, ahem)... Not long ago, I was walking down the street and a stranger approached me. She said "You look tired". She was older, with a heavily lined but friendly face. I looked at her, and I smiled, and said "Well, yes I am tired actually. I have worked a long shift and I'm ready to go home, but I still have a couple of hours to go." She reached in the pocket of her faded sweater, which was beginning to unravel. She then took my hand in hers, and placed a small white crystal in my palm. "This will give you peace. Hold on to it when you feel negative and concentrate on the energy."

She told me that from time to time, I would need to "re-charge" the crystal by placing it on a windowsill and allowing the sun to shine on it. At first I tried to return it, explaining that I did not have any cash on me to pay her for it. (Assuming that was her goal). She told me that it was a gift, and I owed her nothing. I thanked her and tucked it away in my pocket and left. When I got home I looked at it, and smiled. "Crazy old lady," I said. I put the crystal on my bed side table next to my alarm-clock radio and forgot about it.

A few months later, when I actually moved the stuff on the bed side table to dust, I found it again. I remembered the old lady and wondered if she was still around. Then I put the crystal on my windowsill and went to work.
Thursday, June 23, 2005


We had one of those weird telephone moments where nobody says anything for minutes at a time... Unspoken thoughts hung in the air, making it feel heavy.
"You're quiet," She said.

I replied with, "You called Me."

"Well I guess I just hoped you'd be able to cheer me up, I guess."

(sigh). "What's wrong today?"

"Same stuff as every day. I hate it here. I'm so unhappy."

(trying to make light of it and be funny, but not completly kidding), I say, "Well hell, move back home and I'll use my Bertlicious magic wand and make life all better."

(many minutes of silence)

Apparently, NOT the answer she had hoped for. It turned into a very straightforward argument:

"Well how can you just make a joke when you know I'm so sad?"

"What did you want me to say? I'm not the one that moved away. It's hard being away from the people you care about. But that's the choice you made. Nobody pushed you into going. You know you really could quit and come back here and nobody would think bad of you for having tried something new."

"I'm so depressed all the time."

"Yes you have told me so every day for the past month."

"Well what is THAT supposed to mean?!" She asked.

"Nothing. It means exactly what I said."

(silence) "Well. That is not very nice or supportive"

(my turn to speak... very long pause)

"Are you going to say ANYTHING?"

"... I dont know what to say. Anything I say is not what you want to hear so whats the point, you just get angry anyway?"

"I have to go. I'll talk to you later."
She didn't call me today.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005


hesitate.(verb) pause or hold back in uncertainty or unwillingness
When the phone rings, something always lets me know when it's her. I feel it deep in my chest. I can't really explain how that works, but it is always right. I don't get that feeling with every phone call, and I get the feeling before I look at the CALLER ID. It. happens. every. time.

The other day, RolfTheDog accurately surmised my feelings as, (depicting ME talking to HER) "Hi. I really don't wish to speak to you, but I love you too much to hang up on you right now."

I spend a few minutes each day listening to her talk about the things that make her unhappy. I listen and I listen. I rarely say anything in return, and then when she pauses long enough, I express that I hope tomorrow is better. Once, she was more angry than upset and was ranting about some such work related annoyance, and all I had to offer was semi-jokingly suggesting that she tells them all to fuh koff and just move back here and like magic, I'd fix everything. Apparently, she was not in a mood to hear any more than, "You're right, you're absolutely right. They all suck and nobody knows the job as well as you do. You deserve a raise and they should all be fired."... But obviously, this "right answer" did not come to me on time and she became angry with me for having JOKED about her horrible situation because I just DON'T understand how it is there.


So, anyway, today when the phone rang, I almost didn't pick it up. I sat there with my thumb above the TALK button and considered for three rings -- why bother answering the thing? Before I get a full breath after saying Hello, she will be on her third sentence, complaining and wanting my sympathy. Damnit if I didn't press that button anyway.
Monday, June 20, 2005


Conversation continued to flow effortlessly during dinner. We discussed general (safe) topics and moved from one topic to the next easily.

(for the record I am finding it increasingly difficult to finish writing this post, so bear with me).

You know, I've been trying for two or three weeks to finish writing this, and I just can't seem to finish it.

When the weekend was over, and she was leaving to go back east, it pained me more than I had expected it to. I guess that even though I knew it would be hard to say goodbye (again), I still expected... (? I'm not sure what I expected.)

Monday, June 06, 2005


Prologue to Part I - "Details" (consequently, Part II has been delayed due to the necessary posting of these details). Yes, it is quite Wordy.

I'll start with a reply to the comment made by rolf.the.dog, who had some valid input on Part I.

Well ya know we're all human and everyone at some point (I think) finds him or herself in a similar predicament.What to do? Well, I guess it depends on which organ is loudest. (mind over heart/ head over heals - mind over... matter. The matter sometimes wins.

I've never claimed to be a superhero. I have always been the type to wear my heart on my sleeve.

I met her at a friend's house right before my birthday - in 2002. It took me nearly two months to get up the courage to ask her out to dinner. She has always had a job that required travel, so she was leaving the next morning for "the east coast" for two weeks. When I finally did ask her out, we went to a Thursday night dinner, and a walk in the park; then she left the following morning for two weeks. This went on for a while... three days home two weeks out type of thing. Then she landed a position where she was traveling less and would be home more often.

solAnyway, we dated exclusively for a little over two years when she was offered a (big time raise, and lots of benefits) to relocate. I guess in some ways, her decision to GO was my fault since I was dragging my feet a bit. I have a demanding schedule myself and pretty much just didn't think about where things were 'going' so much as the fact that they had seemed to be going well.I don't blame her for taking the job.

To set the record straight though, she didn't dump me; or not directly anyway. When she spent a month and a half unable to decide between (love or money) - taking the job or not, I basically told her to go. Then, at some point during the weeks that followed, I shut her out because it was just too hard trying to see her and pretend that she wasn't leaving in a month. I guess it was one of those breakups where both people want to be together but they both say that they agree to end things - without really meaning it. There really was no "dumping" as much as - this bandaid hurts when I tug on it, so I'll just let it sit here until it falls off on its own... eventually.

I then spent the past four months (give or take a few weeks) trying to move on with life and not focus so much on how much I missed her, only, she was a popular topic of inquiry by all of my friends. How was I getting along without her since she moved? Did I miss her? How was I sleeping lately? Do I talk to her often? The questions rolled in like waves at the beach. They were a constant. That is not meant to imply that I don't appreciate their curiosity or concern, because it's nice to know that they did at least acknowledge that I was going through (or trying to go through) some type of grieving or departure or process... whatever word really fits the situation. In order to spare them from my desperate grasp to talk about it in detail, I'd reply by telling them I was 'fine' and talked to her occasionally. Typical stock answers to questions better left unasked (I guess?).

I was getting along by working as much as possible. I missed her more than I could possibly express with my grasp of the English language. I was sleeping in small blocks of time, all of my dreams freckled with images of her. I had been talking to her several times a week; between e-mail, Instant Message and of course telephone. Yes. Yes. I missed her. Of course I did. I felt like when she left, a large part of the small population of people on earth that actually understand me disappeared.

It is very very late here on my street, and I must try to sleep so that I can wake up rested tomorrow for another week on the job. I promise to write the actual Part II for those that are interested in this sappy saga that my life has become.

And as for the offer to tour the Gentlemen's Clubs and be entertained... well, I guess if they are willing to serve us muppets, we can look into scheduling an itinerary once I am able to afford to do so.
Sunday, June 05, 2005


While not all of you want to know these things, there are a few of you who have actually asked. Since this weblog was created specifically for posts about thoughts I would not typically share in a public medium; and since it does supply some degree of anonymity... here goes nothing. This is a lengthy post, but I really have to get it out so I can relax. I've decided to split it into two parts without real reason.

Friday afternoon as I turned onto my street, I spotted a small white car in front of my house. I wondered who was there, and what their purpose might be. As I pulled into my driveway, the driver-side door opened and she stepped out of the rental. Oh.My.God. I thought. I knew she would be in town for the weekend but I really didn't expect her to show up here.

Ever since I had learned of the someone and how quickly their relationship had progressed-- I had just assumed that she'd be in town, and cross my mind a few times over the weekend and then it would be Tuesday and I'd forget that she was even here without seeing her at all.

She looked great. She looked better than great. At that point I knew what people meant when they said that someone looked so good that it hurt. I felt tight in the chest, and short of breath, and happy-sad-angry-nervous all at once. I felt the blood rush to my face then drain all at once and as she walked towards me I felt dizzy. For the first time ever I was paralyzed. All I could do was stand there and watch her walk toward me.

She stopped a few feet in front of me. We said hello, or I am pretty sure I actually spoke. I invited her inside and I suggested that she have a seat on the couch while I went to the refrigerator to see what beverages I had to offer. She sat on a cushion at one end of the sofa. I returned to the room, handed her a napkin and a diet coke and sat on the other end.

She talked for a few minutes about the someone and told me that they had progressed into a physical relationship, and had regretted taking the step pretty much immediately. I did not tell her that I had heard this news already from her sister. In fact, this detail of her life traveled across the country and onto my answering machine the same day it happened. I just listened to her as she told me how badly things had gone.

To make matters worse for her, he hadn't returned her calls since then. As she spoke she became more relaxed and slipped her sandals off; tucking her legs beside her on the cushion.

After she had finished telling me about it, neither one of us spoke for several minutes. I offered to turn on some music (to alleviate the silence which was now becoming uncomfortable.)

When I returned, she was sitting on the center cushion of the sofa. My heart was pounding. At first, I sat on the arm of the sofa, and felt anxious... she had decided to move away rather than stay in town to be with me about six months ago. I was confused. Why the mixed signals? What should I do? What should I want to do?

She then asked me how I had been doing. I began to talk about my life in the past months and during the conversation relaxed enough to sit on the end cushion next to her. Her scented lotion was subtly noticeable.

I didn't notice that as I spoke, I subconsciously placed my hand on her foot. She listened as I talked about work, and the current projects I had been trying to complete. I asked her if she was hungry, and we agreed to go out to find something for dinner.

During the two-point-three years that we dated, we tried various area restaurants and had several that we had considered "favorites", and we both suggested the same one- at the same time.

Bert is Feelin'...


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If you don't "get it" that's ok. My moods vary from light hearted and amused to darker and often stormy. I do not feel that medication is necessary for the majority of people for every day mood changes, but for some reason everyone I know seems to be on either Zoloft or Prozac. That sums up all that is wrong in the world.
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