Sunday, June 05, 2005


While not all of you want to know these things, there are a few of you who have actually asked. Since this weblog was created specifically for posts about thoughts I would not typically share in a public medium; and since it does supply some degree of anonymity... here goes nothing. This is a lengthy post, but I really have to get it out so I can relax. I've decided to split it into two parts without real reason.

Friday afternoon as I turned onto my street, I spotted a small white car in front of my house. I wondered who was there, and what their purpose might be. As I pulled into my driveway, the driver-side door opened and she stepped out of the rental. Oh.My.God. I thought. I knew she would be in town for the weekend but I really didn't expect her to show up here.

Ever since I had learned of the someone and how quickly their relationship had progressed-- I had just assumed that she'd be in town, and cross my mind a few times over the weekend and then it would be Tuesday and I'd forget that she was even here without seeing her at all.

She looked great. She looked better than great. At that point I knew what people meant when they said that someone looked so good that it hurt. I felt tight in the chest, and short of breath, and happy-sad-angry-nervous all at once. I felt the blood rush to my face then drain all at once and as she walked towards me I felt dizzy. For the first time ever I was paralyzed. All I could do was stand there and watch her walk toward me.

She stopped a few feet in front of me. We said hello, or I am pretty sure I actually spoke. I invited her inside and I suggested that she have a seat on the couch while I went to the refrigerator to see what beverages I had to offer. She sat on a cushion at one end of the sofa. I returned to the room, handed her a napkin and a diet coke and sat on the other end.

She talked for a few minutes about the someone and told me that they had progressed into a physical relationship, and had regretted taking the step pretty much immediately. I did not tell her that I had heard this news already from her sister. In fact, this detail of her life traveled across the country and onto my answering machine the same day it happened. I just listened to her as she told me how badly things had gone.

To make matters worse for her, he hadn't returned her calls since then. As she spoke she became more relaxed and slipped her sandals off; tucking her legs beside her on the cushion.

After she had finished telling me about it, neither one of us spoke for several minutes. I offered to turn on some music (to alleviate the silence which was now becoming uncomfortable.)

When I returned, she was sitting on the center cushion of the sofa. My heart was pounding. At first, I sat on the arm of the sofa, and felt anxious... she had decided to move away rather than stay in town to be with me about six months ago. I was confused. Why the mixed signals? What should I do? What should I want to do?

She then asked me how I had been doing. I began to talk about my life in the past months and during the conversation relaxed enough to sit on the end cushion next to her. Her scented lotion was subtly noticeable.

I didn't notice that as I spoke, I subconsciously placed my hand on her foot. She listened as I talked about work, and the current projects I had been trying to complete. I asked her if she was hungry, and we agreed to go out to find something for dinner.

During the two-point-three years that we dated, we tried various area restaurants and had several that we had considered "favorites", and we both suggested the same one- at the same time.


Bert is Feelin'...


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If you don't "get it" that's ok. My moods vary from light hearted and amused to darker and often stormy. I do not feel that medication is necessary for the majority of people for every day mood changes, but for some reason everyone I know seems to be on either Zoloft or Prozac. That sums up all that is wrong in the world.
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