Tuesday, June 21, 2005


hesitate.(verb) pause or hold back in uncertainty or unwillingness
When the phone rings, something always lets me know when it's her. I feel it deep in my chest. I can't really explain how that works, but it is always right. I don't get that feeling with every phone call, and I get the feeling before I look at the CALLER ID. It. happens. every. time.

The other day, RolfTheDog accurately surmised my feelings as, (depicting ME talking to HER) "Hi. I really don't wish to speak to you, but I love you too much to hang up on you right now."

I spend a few minutes each day listening to her talk about the things that make her unhappy. I listen and I listen. I rarely say anything in return, and then when she pauses long enough, I express that I hope tomorrow is better. Once, she was more angry than upset and was ranting about some such work related annoyance, and all I had to offer was semi-jokingly suggesting that she tells them all to fuh koff and just move back here and like magic, I'd fix everything. Apparently, she was not in a mood to hear any more than, "You're right, you're absolutely right. They all suck and nobody knows the job as well as you do. You deserve a raise and they should all be fired."... But obviously, this "right answer" did not come to me on time and she became angry with me for having JOKED about her horrible situation because I just DON'T understand how it is there.


So, anyway, today when the phone rang, I almost didn't pick it up. I sat there with my thumb above the TALK button and considered for three rings -- why bother answering the thing? Before I get a full breath after saying Hello, she will be on her third sentence, complaining and wanting my sympathy. Damnit if I didn't press that button anyway.


Bert is Feelin'...


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If you don't "get it" that's ok. My moods vary from light hearted and amused to darker and often stormy. I do not feel that medication is necessary for the majority of people for every day mood changes, but for some reason everyone I know seems to be on either Zoloft or Prozac. That sums up all that is wrong in the world.
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