I attended a friend's 40th birthday party tonight. These are people I have been friends with since before I was married; many of the people from that circle of friends were there. I met a few new ones, and I saw people I have not seen in two years or more. There were kids everywhere. It made me realize exactly how unsettled I feel.

I miss the predictibility of being in a relationship. I miss J. I realize that making the decision to encourage her to go was stupid. Selfless and stupid. I don't really think that I was afraid of the next step, because nothing makes me happier than being around my friends who are married and have their kids running over just to interrupt the adult conversation to inquire if we "all heard Lindsey burp, because it was way loud and really funny".

Seeing my friends and their wives and kids all in one place only made me envy them for being happy and having what I have probably wanted all along anyway.

So, in case I wasn't clear enough already, or if anyone was sitting around with nothing else to ponder that may have been wondering if I miss her, the answer is Yes. yes i do. Very much. Still. After all of these months.