Haloscan, the site I have used for comments for the past few years, is no longer going to be providing service.

Since I don't recall any of the comments being all that noteworthy, I am just switching to the crappy design comments supplied by BLOGGER.

Not like anyone has anything to say, anyway!

I was sure I had written and posted since December 3, although it is quite possible that I merely had a dream about doing so. I have no idea. I have been sort of lost lately. It seems that the harder I try-- the harder life gets.

It kind of sucks, but eventually (I hope) it will get better.

It has been noted that I am posting again (J). I don't really have much to say tonight, but thought I would say something -- at least to let any readers know that I am indeed still alive.

Post titles, as of December 3, 2009...
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Greetings - Googlism - Resistance - Preferences - Realization - Intelligence - Fade In - Fuckingluck - Vilifier - Dejection - Breakfast - Sleepless - Moods - Cooked - Fuzziness - Lament - Mindloop - Details - Clarity - Confabulation - Hesitation - Indecision - Relaxation - Concluded - Reloaded - Unconvinced - Unrepentant - Imbecility - Reminiscing - Anticipation - Candor - Disoriented - Vertigo - Friendships - Setting - Providential - Broken - Contingency - Disconnected - Excuses - Reboot - Conflicted - Unfinished - Caution - Terminated.
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The majority of these posts are dedicated to J. I plan to post about any future dating experiences and/or relationships here, so stay tuned...

Ok. It has been a very long time since I have updated. here's the scoop... if you want to know, continue reading.

I proposed to j not so long ago. For those that may not know, this was NOT the first time i tried this. she DECLINED, claiming she was doing so 'regretfully', and stated that she did indeed want to 'stay together'. I gave it some thought, and (a few weeks later) decided that I would just end things where they were... which I did.

For someone who was not looking for marriage, she was completely devastated by this, and had some kind of nervous breakdown - in a very public place - making US the 'dinner show' at a restaurant (if you can explain this behavior, please do).

Talk about humiliating.

Things are going slowly since March, but they are going. I am not yet sure whether or not that is a GOOD thing. This is because I am reluctant to let her back in. A friend stated, more or less, that I should just go with it and see what happens - for the "good time" if not for any other reason. The thing is, I want to be with her (believe that I do, because I am not usually one to pine over a lost opportunity for love), but I don't know if I want to go through another episode of her allowing us to get close - and then chickening out at the first sign of things becoming more serious and running the f--k away again. Would I enjoy "having a good time"? Well, SURE I would... I am not abnormal. (Not completely, anyway.

Right now, though, I am feeling very lonely and quite blue. Normally, I am content in my solitude. Today, however It feels a bit overwhelming (my heart feels heavy). It feels like that twinge of tightness you get (or would get) in your chest as a kid when you were about to cry... only you don't want to cry, because you don't want to cry in front of people. I don't have any other signs of that magnitude of emotion -- just the chest tightness.

I am so tired. I have been working many, many hours, and I am not having the best time of it. My supervisors are driving me crazy. They do nothing to help in times tht it is needed. The negativity has overcome me on many different planes.

I spent part of last weekend with J. We started the day early in the morning, having breakfast at a local pancake house and spent the day

(have I used "conflicted" already?)

Well... J traded the job she had for a new one, and has announced on her weblog that she will be moving back to town. We have not spoken much during the past year. That is to say, we have had frequent conversations but none that had any true meaning or depth.

I am not sure how I feel about this. I know that I will be out of town when she returns to town... which I think is about as perfect as things could get, if one was a vengeful person who believes in karma and that sort of thing.

I have mixed feelings when asked what I think will happen (or hope might happen). I really don't have an answer to that yet.

Just in case any of you drop-in from time to time to see if anything is new...

Sadly, things ended somewhat badly in the SAGA of J. She is back here (west coast), but we are not / have not been / seeing each other. We have spoken a few times, but it was nothing significant.

I have been on 2 dates, with 2 different women, since J left. While I liked both of them, I just felt like I was not ready yet. (not over it).

One of them was not happy with my honesty, the other said that she understood, and said to give her a call should I change my mind. I do not expect her to remain on hold during this time.

I have no further information at this time... but should I resume dating anyone -- I'll let you know.

September 28, 2007 - March 17, 2007... that is a LOT of days with no updates. Please accept my apologies along with this summary of events to rush you all to the present happenings in my life.

I've asked her (a few times) if she will marry me. Of those three, one answer was not a direct negative; but before you get excited please know that no answer was given at all, as the phone rang or some other work related urgency interrupted, and therefore I was abruptly forgotten and invisible yet again.

She is back on the east coast, working. Always working. I have since ceased communications and mailed a letter explaining that it is painfully obvious (which is not exactly news but at least now I am accepting the truth) that we are not even in the same bookstore when it comes to being on the same page of any chapter in any given book.

As far as all of that "if you love something set it free" horse shit - she has not come back. Therefore I am resigned to my former existence, working, caring for what family and friends I do have, and trying to stay healthy despite my blue mood.

Don't worry about me though, I've been through things like this before and I have come out of them a better person. I have complete faith that this will have the same result.

I hope the new year, now well into the beginning of the 2nd quarter, is treating you well, and I hope to bring you more news from this flip side of me in the near future.

In the movies, it is not uncommon for a guy to have to ask multiple times. I wonder though, in LIFE, do things ever REALLY work out like they do in the movies? In the end the guy--who is typically a good guy being forced to suffer due to some one elses wrongs -- gets the girl.

What can a guy do when he is seemingly unable to convince a woman to make that jump?

I am without a response to that. If you need directions to "that" simply ask.

ADJECTIVE: Characterized by luck or good fortune: fortunate, happy, lucky. See LUCK.
I know. I KNOW. I promised to post something. I will.
really.

I promise I will.

Right now I still have company.

I have big plans for tonight. The just-washed sheets are tumble drying. The thermostat is set for a cool but not cold ambient temperature. All of the dishes are washed and put away.

I.
shall.
sleep.

Those truly linked don't need correspondence. When they meet again after many years apart, their friendship is as true as ever.

In the near future, I will be updating... (think in terms of a week or two, rather than hours or days).

As it is, J is back, for the most part. She lives just under three hours away. We've seen eachother-- that is spent time together three times since her 25 October return to the Pacific coast. She seems to believe that everything should just pick up as if nothing ever disrupted the flow of things. I mean... she went away FAR away for almost a year. The choice was clearly for money and I admit I defended her choice nine ways to December; but in all honesty-- I think that my doing so was mostly out of self-preservation.

Do I care about her? Yes .I care about her a great deal. I just don't feel exactly the same way I did. I have tried to sit back and see what happens but really, when it comes down to it,my feelings are not where they were before the move. That is not to say that, given time, I would feel the same way again; but I don't feel that way "Right Now".

Wednesday night, (sadly -- that seems like it was days ago, and it was yesterday)... I was extremely tired and went to bed around 10:00pm. Around 11:45, the phone rang. I woke up, and it took me a few seconds to figure out that I was laying on my stomach, which would mean that the phone was on my right. I realized this only after I lifted myself, and reached out with my left arm trying to locate the phone. Since there is a light up display for the caller ID on the phone I figured out where I was and then my brain calculated the phone's location once the presence of the light was recognized as significant.

It was J. of all people. J, who is leaving Boston and returning to this area at the end of this month. J. who moved from this area out to Boston earlier this year (February).

Her first words were, "Did I wake you?, I'm sorry." and things like that. She is in New York. She just wanted to say hi. I was barely awake, and frankly, as good as it was to hear from her; I was too tired to stay awake. (I am not sure whether or not that means anything significant).

I was actually so tired, that I am not fully sure what was said. I remember hearing one of her soon-to-be-former housemates in say something in the background that amused me... only now I cannot remember what that was. At the time it was funny enough that I laughed and repeated it.

No, candor is not a bird.
An open letter to my (biological) father.
Yes, yes. The birthday card you sent did arrive on time. I am clueless as to why this would matter to you, since you have never even met me. You chose to leave-- why I will never know, because you got married; so at some point you must have had some notion of the possibility that children are commonly a factor in such an equation.

You are one persistent son of a bitch; calling me 4-5 times in a week, but not leaving a message. While I can see that you did call (Caller ID is not known for falsifying entries) I refuse to return your phone calls if you don't leave a message. Half the time I really don't even want to call you when you DO leave a message.

I was happy not even knowing if you were still alive and wandering around this waste of resources we call our planet. If I had my way, things would return to how they were a year ago when I vaguely knew you once existed.

I am glad that I finally opened the door and let you know that I have some unresolved feelings and DO NOT really wish to append your name to my FRIENDS & FAMILY roster. I just hope you actually HEARD me.

Waiting for...
October 25, 2005

I attended a friend's 40th birthday party tonight. These are people I have been friends with since before I was married; many of the people from that circle of friends were there. I met a few new ones, and I saw people I have not seen in two years or more. There were kids everywhere. It made me realize exactly how unsettled I feel.

I miss the predictibility of being in a relationship. I miss J. I realize that making the decision to encourage her to go was stupid. Selfless and stupid. I don't really think that I was afraid of the next step, because nothing makes me happier than being around my friends who are married and have their kids running over just to interrupt the adult conversation to inquire if we "all heard Lindsey burp, because it was way loud and really funny".

Seeing my friends and their wives and kids all in one place only made me envy them for being happy and having what I have probably wanted all along anyway.

So, in case I wasn't clear enough already, or if anyone was sitting around with nothing else to ponder that may have been wondering if I miss her, the answer is Yes. yes i do. Very much. Still. After all of these months.